First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
