end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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