just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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