Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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