I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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