Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
