Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Sorry about my life...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He shit in the fireplace
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
