So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
