somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
