She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
