to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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