So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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