I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
