Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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