If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
too bad you live with your parents still
She announced her abortion via fbk
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
