I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
