if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just saw a hot homeless man
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
