Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
