I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
