Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
