no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
