grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
