I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
