apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
