i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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