Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
