I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
