Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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