Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
