apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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