I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
