i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
