Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
