If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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