I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
