I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
