guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
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