Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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