dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
