2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
