he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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