Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
