I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I deserve this hangover.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
