I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
