he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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