i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
