Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
