You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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