at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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