I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Banned from zoo.
Again?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
