It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
